Shifting Gears

When I began this blog a few months ago, the intention was to have a website for the TransAtheist Podcast.  We now have our first episode recorded, and on the web.  We’re in the iTunes library, the Xbox Store, Pocket Casts for Android, will shortly be available for Stitcher.  What I discovered, though, in the interim between the first blog posting and the posting of the first podcast episode, is that I still love to write.

What I love about writing, is that even more than speaking into a microphone, I can distance myself from the audience in such a way that enables me to think clearly and form thoughts.  I can make a nuanced argument, without fear of you interrupting me.  I can take my time to really think about what I want to say, and then after I say it, unlike in real life, I can use the backspace button – because I realized it just came out wrong.  I love writing, regardless of how well you the reader love my writing.

This is exactly how I feel about my gender and sexuality.

I love to dress as the woman most days I feel I am.  When free from stares and mirrors, I begin to feel transformed, I feel “normal”, happy, and forget which gender my body thinks I am.  Alternately there are days when I am grateful I don’t have to deal with a sweaty bra, or when at a baseball game I’m grateful my bathroom line moves more quickly.  I don’t always mind the male parts of my psyche or anatomy.  I want to delve deeper into this gender dichotomy, and plan on discussing it further in either a future podcast or blog posting, or more likely, both.

What I am starting to discover on this personal journey of self discovery, is the labels I’ve used to identify myself for a lifetime, should remain just those, labels, and they should be easily peeled off.  Instead of being labeled, perhaps I would rather be post-it noted.  This is who I am right now, but in a few minutes, hours, or days, I will be different again, and require a new label.

I don’t want to be all things to all people, I just want to be all of me.

Thanks for reading, listening, or both.  I’m setting a goal for myself to put out two blog posts a week.  One more of a personal diary of my road to discovering who I am as a person in relation to gender and sexuality.  I also want to continue tossing my two cents in when it comes to discrimination and pseudoscience, especially when it comes to transgender discrimination issues and pseudoscientific healthcare claims.

However, as a girl who has a problem with deadlines, I’m not promising anything, except that I will continue to write as long as I find it enjoyable.

-Maddy