I tell myself its going to be easy. I tell myself the people who don’t understand don’t matter. I tell myself lie after lie, amazingly i know I’m lying the whole time; yet, despite that knowledge, I go out anyway.
If you normally pass, does make it easier or harder to deal with the laughter, the whispers, the stares that shift when you look? If you know you don’t pass for one gender or the other does shouldn’t that make the heartfelt pain easier to deal with? After all, you knew what it was going to be like before you went out, you knew those were lies you were telling yourself.
What is it about a stranger’s rejection that we find so hurtful? Why is it a loved ones acceptance can wipe away the hurt and trauma of a stranger?
I’m not looking for answers. I’m not here to deal with my emotional trauma the best way I know how. I need to examine it, try and understand exactly what it is that hurts, to question this as I do everything.
Unkind Stranger, your laughter, rejection and dehumanizing behavior will have their intended effect. You will break my heart. You will make it harder for me to leave my house. You will make it harder to love and accept myself the way I should.
Unkind Stranger, you will not break me.
You will not take away the strength and solace I find in the arms of my wife. You will not remove my will and desire to make this world a better place for generations to come. You will not change my gender, you have however changed me.
When I come out of my house tomorrow, I will have healed, but I will not have forgiven, and I will not have forgotten. I will remember there are others out there who don’t have a wife like mine to go home to. Others who have no refuge from you and the Strangers like you. Others who have no refuge from a family who treats them the way you treat them.
Unkind Stranger, there are people like me out there you have killed. People who couldn’t handle living with your scorn, and people who couldn’t live with themselves in the manner you demanded. Unkind Stranger, you are responsible for their destroyed lives, and for their death.
Tomorrow I will get dressed, and lie to myself. I will tell myself its going to be easy. I will tell myself the people who don’t understand don’t matter. I will do it so that one day those lies will he true. That one day you Unkind Stranger will be having to go home to the arms of a loved one, upset, angry, frustrated, miserable, depressed; because the world moved on and left you behind.
Good bye Unkind Stranger, we will meet again tomorrow.